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The Shit List

Collected from various sources. Originally from rec.humor and has
been extended over the years.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the
vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE ALIEN SHIT
Green. 'Nuff said. -pamelee@msn.com
THE ANDREW SHIT
Like an old friend named Andrew, this one just never quite
goes away. Apparently it considers itself special. Bring a book, cuz
this one is NEVER finished. -anonymous
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited
either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your
car.
THE BATHTUB SHIT
You thought you were making bubbles, but much to your suprise
..... -Jarrod Gillman 05/23/96
THE BOMBSHELL SHIT
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is
either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal)
or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE BORN AGAIN SHIT
After taking this load off, you feel like a new man (or
woman). -evo@mit.edu
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to
strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have
a stroke.
THE BUDDHIST SHIT
The one that requires an hour of meditation.
-bartlane@isomedia.com
THE BULLSHIT
The kind of shit that you get from eatting lunch with your
boss.-Ross 06/14/96
THE CLAY SHIT
The shit that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of
your sphyncter that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to
mold it into the right shape to get rid of it. -anonymous
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl,
but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE COLLEGE STUDENT THAT COMES HOME FOR THANKSGIVING SHIT
The most solid shit the student has had since going to
college. -carltjm@mail.auburn.edu
THE CONTEMPLATED SHIT
Does a shit in the toilet make a plop when there is no one
around to hear it? -bartlane@isomedia.com
THE CORN SHIT
Self-explanatory.
THE CRACKER SHIT
The shit that resembles that cracker you had a few minutes
ago. -parism@dayold.donet.com
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you
have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE DANGER SHIT
The one where you have to evacuate the country until the
smell goes down. -anonymous
THE DEAD WEIGHT SHIT
The kind where when your done you feal 10 pounds lighter.
-anonymous
THE DIETICIAN'S DELIGHT SHIT
Shit that both sinks and floats in your toilet, proving to
anyone who cares that you had eaten a proper diet. -jgould@awod.com
THE DINGLEBERRY SHIT
This is a living shit. After a well taken shit (often
"Rabbit" shit), you flush. However the "dingleberry" never goes down.
It sits at the bottom looking up at you. Often you leave before you
see it. The next person usually finds another stall because they are
afraid of the dingleberry, as if the dingleberry is saying, "Go away.
Get the hell out of here. This is my home." -Kevin Bell
THE DISOLVING SHIT
The shit that came out solid but them disperses and turns the
water all murky brown. -anonymous
THE ELASTIC SHIT
This shit comes out, goes into the can, then feels like it's
back in your ass again. -anonymous 04/04/96
THE ENERGIZER SHIT
It keeps going and going and going and going...
THE EXPANDO SHIT
This shit feels small coming out, but blows up like a balloon
as soon as it hits unpressurized space. -Alfred Watts 05/24/96
THE EXPLOSIVE SHIT
It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you
think you are going to shoot off the toilet bowl through the ceiling.
-seand@trilogy.net
THE FART SUPRISE SHIT
When you go in and sit on the toilet fart once and your
empty. When you get up the toilet is full.
-faehnrich@liberty.issaquah.wednet.edu
THE FIRE IN THE BOWL SHIT
The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt from
the big feed of Mexican food the night before.
THE FLAMING SHIT
These are shits you get from drinking cheap swill.
-sjo11612@is2.nyu.edu
THE FLOATER SHIT
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known
to resurface after many flushings.
THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT
You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're
driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for
the next 50 miles, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your
pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion,
followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on
the wall behind the bowl.
THE FOUNTAIN SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast and furious (like a fountain
sprinkler) as to cause the foul toilet water to splash up on your
buttocks. Which, in turn, makes you feel unfresh the rest of the day.
-fdnyrick@cp.duluth.mn.us
THE FOREST SHIT
The one that only hits you when you're six miles into the
woods. -bartlane@isomedia.com
THE GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining
your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and
farting.
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet
paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE GROANER SHIT
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future
generations.
THE GUM-BALL SHIT
This is characterized by small, pink (..green, white or
blue..) spots that result from swallowing your gum. You always want to
tell somebody about it. -Bob Fox 06/27/96
THE HEY LUCY, I'M HOME SHIT
You flush the toilet, it all dissapears, but a second later,
one floats back. -anonymous
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE HYPNOTIC SHIT
Shit where you finish, look at it, and it's so beautiful, all
you can do is just stare at it in wonder and delight. -Sykodelic
03/23/96
THE I HAVEN'T SHIT IN A WEEK SHIT
On the verge of using an eniema, you know you have to go, or
else... -evo@mit.edu
THE I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all
over the place.
THE I KNOW IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE SHIT
Kinda the same as the "It's too late now shit," except the
victim can be heard screaming, "Get out here right now! I know you're
in there! Stop hiding! Don't make me come in after you!" -evo@mit.edu
THE I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The
shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air
space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the
insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE IT'S TOO LATE NOW SHIT
After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing
comes out. You know it's still in there, though... Needless to say,
very frusterating (and uncomfortable). -evo@mit.edu
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it
down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet
brush.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice
from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the
same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MAGIC SHIT
Possibly the most perfect poopie. It is like the "Clean" shit
in that you don't have to wipe, but like the "Ghost" shit it
dissapears. You do feel very relieved like you have done a good
job.-Kevin Bell
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE MY INTESTINES ARE IN THE TOILET SHIT
This shit hurts so bad coming out that it makes you feel like
you have nothing inside you anymore. When you look in the toilet it
looks like your intestines.-anonymous
THE NEVER ENDING SHIT
The shit that keeps coming out with no end and even when you
think you are finished, it is still there, hanging out of your butt.
-anonymous
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the
bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE OH-SHIT SHIT
Like the Wet Shit in that you wipe 50 times before you are
satisfied, but like the Second Wave Shit because after you clog up
your toilet you have to go again. -Ian Schwartz 03/31/96
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close
resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE ORGASMIC SHIT
It feels like all your troubles are over once you've finished
this shit. Its orgasmic, once you have finished it you jump up and
down for joy. -anonymous
THE PEANUT SHIT
Peanuts in your turds, left over from the plane.
-phifier@erols.com
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a
gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games
with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit
to putting it there.
THE PISSING OUT OF YOUR BUTT SHIT
Feels like your pissing out of your butt. -seand@trilogy.net
THE POLITICALLY CORRECT SHIT
Shit that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks,
and doesn't smell. -jgould@awod.com
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on
coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it
piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants
down when you're done.
THE PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
THE PRESSURIZED SHIT
The shit that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going
on. Then after it is finished coming out you let out a big fart that
was behind it pushing it out. -anonymous
THE PUBLIC SHIT
The only time you make a lot of foul noises is when there are
lots of people around to hear it. -bartlane@isomedia.com
THE RANGER SHIT
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only
solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE RAWHIDE SHIT
Shit you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it
comes out with very leathery texture. -mueller.6@osu.edu
THE RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE SHIT
You know, the kind that comes out looking like the elephant
man...And makes you feel like you passed one (an elephant that is).
-guzzler@bmi.net
THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT
This is when you strain so hard you lose thirty pounds in the
process. -anonymous
THE RITUAL SHIT
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is
accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE RUDE SHIT
This shit makes a plea for help like it is drowning. It makes
a loud noise that will be heard two to three blocks down. Very
embarassing. -funkey@ix.netcom.com
THE SALSA SHIT
Burns bad before, during, and after. -bartlane@isomedia.com
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to
your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE SHIT THAT YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU ATE THE LAST 24 HOURS
This shit usually occurs after you have eaten too many grapes
or too much fruit. It is very runny and when you look in the toilet
after you are done you can see all of little food particles floating
around in the toilet. -Hi.1462369@aol.com
THE SILLY STRING SHIT
A thin shit that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous,
unbroken link. Generally will leave it's mark after flushing. You have
the urge to call someone to come and look. -pamelee@msn.com
THE SINKER SHIT
Shit that sinks like lead to the bottom of the toilet, like
rocks thrown in a pond. -jgould@awod.com
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
frightening position - usually harmless.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear
it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE SPRAY PAINTER SHIT
This one leaves every square inch of the bowl, under the
seat, and your ass covered in shit. -Robert Ponzi 06/06/96
THE STAR WARS SHIT
The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers.
-anonymous
THE SUPERMAN SHIT
Comes out of your ass faster than a speeding bullet. -Jared
Kotil
THE TURBO-CHARGER SHIT
You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak,
thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally
unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more,
perfectly normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked
behind.
THE UPPER CLASS SHIT
This is the poopie that doesn't stink.
-wildwest@blue.misnet.com
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes
out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the
toilet water.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So
you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so
you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE WHAMMO SHIT
The shit that went through your system like a slip-n'-slide.
-anonymous
THE WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE? SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you
don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand
innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and
gasping for air.
THE CHOCOLATE SHIT
The shit that has the exact color of chocolate.
THE BLACK SHIT
The shit that's so black that you wonder what's wrong.
THE DAVE'S INSANITY SHIT
The shit that's so painful you wov to never ever eat hot food again!
THE PANIC SHIT
The shit that appears before you have had time to locate a toilet or even lower your pants.
THE URGENT SHIT
The shit that has to be done RIGHT NOW, even if it requires sitting over the railing at the highway.
THE DIARRHEA SHIT
Same as the wet shit but occurs so often that you barely have time to recover from the last one.
THE SOUR HERRING SHIT
The shit that smells like... Uh? Is there a major gas leak or have you been chasing skunks?

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