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Programming Languages

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which
seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes
it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This
handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who
find themselves in such a dilemma.

TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

C You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++ You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways
because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to
concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot
yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't
because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
FORTH Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot.
The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it
to explain it to you.
BASIC Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the
foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.
Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.
APL You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring
out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix (1)
$ ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
$ rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
$ ls
$
                
Unix (2)
# pwd /tmp
# rm . *
                
Concurrent Euclid You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years
later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can,
too.
Access You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in
all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the
foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little
bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you
must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

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